Rant.

I apologize in advance because this is going to be a ranty post.

When you work on a set, especially one that takes place in a colleague’s apartment, DO NOT sleep in their beds when YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING. DO NOT leave a pile of candy wrappers ALL over their bed. DO NOT leave half eaten lollipops all over their things. Do not bitch about people’s professionalism or the way they treat equipment if YOU are going to do NOTHING and sleep all over the apartment all day or almost destroy the camera and laugh it off as if it wasn’t YOUR fault. Do not act as if you’ve been working so hard when you’ve been eating through everything and then when you eat the colleague’s food, place the blame on other set members. Also, do NOT traumatize, or abuse the pets of the household. They live here, you don’t. If you want them removed, kindly ask the colleagues and DO NOT shove the animals around after making them angry. If the actress has to constantly tell you to shutup or remove yourselves, you should probably smarten up and not keep repeatedly doing it. It’s embarrassing and should not even happen. Do not talk about your sexual exploits or party habits in front of the very young and underaged actress. It’s not cool and you sound like a fool. Do not argue for 10 minutes or bitch about a colleague not saying “please” in their sentence when they ask you to do something, especially if you take a million years to get things done (and yes, I DO say thank you). You forfeit the right to whine and bitch if you don’t contribute in a meaningful way. Also, when things get busy and things need to get done, trying to please you with a flowery sentence is the last thing on my mind. Just fucking do it or remove yourself. You want to be appreciated? Then shutup and do your job in an efficient manner.

If these people make it big in the film industry, I might have to shoot myself.

I’m just extra grumpy because I’m STILL covered in rashes from the previous shoot and it’s driving me insane. Oh well, last shoot tomorrow.

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das Leben ist schön

Double post today, WOO! I’m currently on break until the 17th because of Berlinale. I’m so exciteddd to watch films for 8 days straight! I am also extremely relieved that the hell month is finally over. On Tuesday, we screened all our films for the whole class and got feedback from two tutors. The people who screened in the morning were the unlucky ones. Guess which I was? We were bombarded with criticism about every choice we made. Whereas everyone in the afternoon received 10 minutes of feedback, we had about half hour each. The tutors also were MUCH nicer in the afternoon. I was quite upset of course because I was bashed for my editing when I edited it the way one of the tutors told me to (many others faced the same problem). He threw me under the bus when the other tutor didn’t like it. Thanks dude. I had to re-cut the entire thing and I hope that I have better luck with my next film. Some people got completely bashed for things that they cannot change anymore (keep in mind they were supposed to give us feedback to make the best edited version to hand in) or for their music choices when the tutor said he liked it the first time and suddenly was on a music hating rampage. It was a tough learning experience. I think we were all completely crushed. It’s all part of the filmmaking process I guess. This is probably nothing compared to all the challenges and criticism we will get in the future after we graduate. Oh wells, onto the next project then I guess. My goal for the next one is to have at least ONE piece of positive feedback. It might actually be better next time because we will have ONE instructor for the entire script writing process instead of having 3 tutors with very different tastes and ideas. Hopefully that same tutor will also be with us during the whole filming and editing process so that we don’t have several conflicting opinions again. I don’t know how to listen to my own voice yet because of all this so we shall see what happens.

On a more positive note, yesterday was the first time I’ve realized how much I’ve grown over the years. I think being in Berlin was really good for me in terms of personal growth. I feel like I’ve gained more confidence in myself and I feel like I’m being judged less for being myself here. I also noticed that my social anxiety has gone way down. I remember the days where I would make up excuses to cancel on plans because I didn’t want to leave my house. The days when I would skip classes because I knew I would be late and I didn’t want everyone to stare at me when I walked in. The uptight girl who was generally obedient and followed the rules because she was afraid to voice her own opinions and be teased for it. The girl who was always looking for an escape because she hated her life so much. I’m proud of myself. I’m also very lucky to meet so many amazing people in my life, truly. I’m excited for what the future holds and I hope to keep meeting more wonderful people and experiencing interesting things.

Also I want to show off the tattoo I got last month. I love it!

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I have an obsession with jellyfish and the galaxy 🙂

Ich habe eine anstrengende Woche.

Today was the last day of my German class. I have decided to continue with the next level which means that I will be giving up some of my evenings. I hope the workload won’t be too crazy. The course starts at the end of next month which I’m not very happy with because there’s a long gap where I wouldn’t be consistently learning German. But I think I will start using Duolingo again in the meantime now that I’m starting to get the basics down. I also have a few textbooks to flip through. The course is supposed to end in May and I hope they will have the next level right after. I’m hoping to finish the intermediate levels by the end of this year.

We’ve been without water since this morning. However, we have just discovered that our shower and toilet still works which is good enough for now. I think the pipes might have frozen over due to the sudden dip in temperature. There’s been a string of bad things happening in the past couple of months. First we were without a fridge for over a month, then I had my visa problems, then no internet for over a week, then my headphones and my roommate’s set of travel passes were stolen and now this. I’ve also been having a lot of problems with banking and other bureaucracy things. Hopefully things will settle after this month is over. I’ve been sleeping poorly lately and I don’t know why. Overall it’s been very exhausting and mentally draining. But it makes me more determined.

Things are going to just keep getting crazier and busier but I’ll be ready.

Alles gut!

Aside

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It’s been awhile since I have updated! I’ve been internet-less for the past while and only got it back two days ago. It was a bit rough because there was a lot of work I needed to do for school that required the internet and I also needed to send important emails. It has been a stressful couple of weeks and there’s still a lot to do. Our shoots went fairly well though I was the last person to shoot and therefore my energy levels were extremely low. I was also really dissatisfied with my actor as we have worked with him in the past and he has given us consistently bad performances. My story hinged on subtle emotions and he did not deliver at all. However, I ended up cutting out a lot of his parts so it’s halfway decent now. I’ve learned a lot from this shoot and I’m glad that we get to choose our own actors for the next shoot.

The rest of this month is going to be insane. We have a ton of assignments due on Thursday and I’m almost halfway done. We just finished filming a short for the 99 Fire Film competition. Our school forced us into it last minute so it was a rough couple of days especially because some of us had pre-arranged plans already. I had to miss most of the shoot because I had German class. I’m contemplating whether to continue onto the next level or not. I might just study on my own but I feel that is not ideal. However, school is already extremely exhausting and to add more to the school load is going to kill me. I still have a couple of weeks to decide.

Berlinale starts the week after this one and we have to hand in a 6-7 page script during that week as well. I’ve started up a weekly writing group that will hopefully start meeting next week. I’ve also started a small film group with some of the girls and we’re hoping to start filming small projects on the weekends. We all have ideas and the boys are off doing their own thing. School is going to get even busier after this. I feel really stressed but I’m also very excited for all that there is to come. I am learning so much and experiencing so much.

One of my classmates absolutely adores me. It’s a weird feeling to have someone compliment you on every aspect of your person. He literally does not see a flaw in me which is disconcerting and my other classmates love to tease me about it (they adore him). He’s like the father I used to wish that I had. I was used to not having a father figure. I seem to have a penchant for meeting elderly men who change my life in ways that I cannot comprehend. I feel like something big and amazing is coming. I say this because when I was a toddler, my parents had a restaurant. An elderly man visited every summer and he saw that I was bored and lonely and taught me to read. Every time after that, he would bring me more books or small games to teach me. It changed the way I perceived the world because I spent half my childhood and teenage years hiding in books. I think it is what kept me rooted all these years when I could have gone off the deep end. Perhaps the appearance of another wise and kindly old man is a sign that my life is going to be affected in profound ways. He was also the one who was kind enough to host me in Austria during the Christmas holidays.

I’ll try my best to be diligent in updating this blog but it seems like I’m not going to have a social life from now on. I don’t even have time to continue painting nowadays and I really want to because it is a good way to de-stress. I haven’t had time to focus on myself either because I’m always exhausted but I feel nothing but excited for all there is to come! I’ve already noticed a huge change in myself as a person. I’ve never been such a positive person in my life. Well I still need to work on my self esteem issues but I feel so enthusiastic about everything else that it hardly seems to matter. I feel a little sad that I don’t have time to talk to friends or even hangout with people outside of my school. I’ve been flaking a lot on my friends from outside of school because I just don’t have time. I don’t even have time to do photoshoots that I have been thinking about for the past while. I also wish I had time to workout…

I’m glad that I’m getting through my goals for the year already though. Good luck to everyone and their goals for the year!

Update

I’m currently stealing internet at my friends’ apartment.

Next week, we start filming our first major projects. I’m really excited because this time we will be filming our own scripts! I might post up mine if I’m happy with the results. Our supervising Director for the week asked why I changed my original ending because he loved it and thought it was beautiful. Our screenwriting tutor didn’t like it so I changed it but now I’m happy that I get to use it again. Our supervising Director told me to film all four different endings (including the ones suggested to me by the screenwriting tutor and the DOP) and then choose my favorite during editing.

I’m going to try to be more proactive with this blog and start on some of the posts that I’ve been meaning to create.

On a side note, I got my roommate into comics woohoo! She’s only dipped her toe in but she shall be addicted soon enough. I’m very behind on my comics though…

Etimasia

I’ve gotten a good start on my New Years resolutions. I found several decently priced German courses and have registered for one. I have to give up my weekends for awhile but I think it’s a good sacrifice to finally be able to speak some German. After the first level, I will have to start sacrificing some evenings for German. Hopefully I will be intermediate by the end of the year! I’ve invested in some cheap paints and a cheap electric guitar package so we shall see where I go with that. I want to be super focused on being creative this year. I want to be able to get my ideas out of my head and into reality. I may also join my roommate in some dance classes but we shall see because it’s all in German. It will probably improve my German AND my fitness though! I’m just worried about injuring myself…

I’m a bit excited to start school again! I miss seeing my classmates everyday~ Hopefully we can start some of the projects that I have suggested as well.

Paradise

Aside

Hello again!

I just finished a week of Screen Arts in school with the most amazing tutor ever! She was such a lovely woman, very passionate about the subject and extremely kind. All the things I learned through my Humanities degree came back into play as a chunk of it was integral for Screen Arts which is largely theory based. I’m actually very interested in getting back into the subject again so I have ordered some Jung and Freud books as well as some extra film books. I’m very excited to dive deeper into these topics and hopefully it will help me write better stories. We watched a lot of clips from a diverse range of films this week and I really want to watch all of them in it’s entirety. I’ve actually developed a newfound appreciation for documentaries and am actually very excited for our documentary module later on in the school year. I’m also very interested in experimental filmmaking and animation! Next week we dive back into our scripts which I’m not so excited for. We also have a pile of assignments that are due as well.

I need to find some time to indulge in more films and books because I’ve been too busy lately. I watched a documentary yesterday called How to Make Money Selling Drugs which was very interesting however it didn’t seem to have a real point to it. Tomorrow my roommate and I will be attending a full day of premieres at the Raindance film festival which I’m very excited for! We will be watching a set of shorts, two documentaries and one film. Talk about a long day.

My trip to Switzerland has been cancelled because it is MUCH too expensive. I could buy half of a camera with that money. Instead, I will continue my plans of going to Czech and Austria but I will also be going on a short weekend trip to Dresden with some friends!

I’m planning on trying to add more useful habits to my daily schedule. I’m also super tired so I think I should start doing some yoga in the morning to wake myself up. I need to start working out again.. I am also hoping to start doing 10 minutes of writing first thing each morning which will hopefully help me improve.

Also, I mentioned that I was an extra in a short film in my last post. They were extremely behind time for their shoot so we were placed into a different scene. It was really fun filming and we managed to point out some continuity issues that the crew missed. Yay us!

All in all, I absolutely adore Berlin!