Everyday, I continue to be amazed and grateful to be in Berlin. I don’t know how my life would have turned out otherwise. I was quite depressed with the way my life was going, almost letting my fears win over my ambitions. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad. I just felt meh. I don’t think I could have stayed at my old job any longer because it was so mindless and I think I stayed there wayyy too long. I probably would have ended up staying there forever, hating my life like everyone else there (who wanted to get out also but were trapped by life and reality), probably stuck in a marriage with kids, slogging my way through life. I thought it was wrong of me to want more for myself. I wanted to please everyone else and instead repressed myself. I think I may have exploded at some point and continued hating life. I don’t hate Toronto or Canada, I just don’t think I belonged in that life I had there. I’ve been thinking a lot since shoot started (even though my mind was melting) and I am so blessed to be here, doing what I love. There are lots of hurdles as well since everyone works differently and have different priorities on set which annoys me quite often. Maybe I’m just too serious. However, I am now able to distinguish who I can work with seriously and who I never want to work with outside of being forced to at school. It’s been amazing being able to see everyone’s progress and the different ways people think and direct. I still have lots to learn but that comes with time and experience. I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point where I won’t panic about whether my end product will be good or not. I am, however, proud of my work even though it’s still very amateurish.
I’ve noticed an exponential growth in my confidence since moving here. I’ve started to finally discover myself and reach a level of independence I’m happy with. I still have a long ways to go but I think it has been really good for me to be here, to learn to like myself and to have the freedom I desire. There is also a drawback to this because I’m starting to lose patience with people who have low self-esteem and keep trying to draw attention to themselves by saying stupid shit and people who are too full of themselves and keep bragging about it. I’m really noticing the age difference between myself and certain people. Come on guys, there’s more to life than relationships and partying (I mean, partying is quite fun once in awhile). I’m really really really lucky to have my roommate who is on the same wavelength as me (SO HAPPY that she likes to lineup early for concerts and rock out near the front. I never had a rock out buddy before). Life is so so so good right now (I hope I’m not jinxing it). I hope it continues on like this. I don’t want this life to end. I don’t want to go back to my old life. I hope this is a sign that I have finally found my niche.
Three more shooots left! I’m exciteddd. We’re going to try to finally catch Noah this weekend (yes I heard the bad reviews), go picnicking by the lake again and join some summer activities in the park. I heard Berlin is unbelievable in the summer (everyone is depressed in the winter) and can’t wait to partake in this! Hopefully we’ll be able to find a bigger flat as well with cheaper rent. I need to get a room where I have an actual window so that I don’t die in the summer months. Plus we want a nice long term place that we can decorate ourselves and make it homey. I have sort of decorated my current room but I am also holding back a bit since we might move.
We auditioned to be extras in The Hunger Games. It’s 55 Euros a day if we get the gig. Also, the casting agency tends to reuse the same people again for other productions so I’m hoping for the best!
I want to be like Robin. Who should NOT have ended with Ted by the way. I hate guys like Ted urgh. She should have ended up alone because Robin doesn’t settle. Robin is confident in herself and her decisions and she’s not afraid to be alone (unlike Ted). They ruined her character. I’m not bitter about the ending at all. Nope.